The right timing

When is it the right time for another baby?? Does anybody really know?! If you know me well, you know I HATE being pregnant. I know I know, it's like the most amazing thing ever creating a human, I get that, but in all reality it is freaking hard! It's hard sharing your body. I'm a selfish person! It took me a long time to want to get pregnant after Raelinn. Actually, I never really wanted to! I just knew I had a sweet little soul up there waiting to join our family, and pregnancy was something I had to go through in order to receive that blessing. That definitely, most likely, is the wrong way to look at it, but it's the truth. One day Tj was sitting on the brick next to the fire place. I remember it vividly. I walked up to him, he reached up and put his hands on my hips. I asked him if he was ready for another baby. He said he had been ready, but he never wanted to pressure me. I told him that I had been completely opposed to the idea for a long time, and although I wasn't necessarily "baby hungry" I had a feeling it was time. We talked about it for a while longer and I told him that we basically had one month to get pregnant. If we were to get pregnant the following month the baby would be born during Christmas time and I didn't want that, and if we stopped trying for a month I figured I would have myself talked out of the idea of another baby. We only discussed it between the two of us, and although I had so much pressure from the whole town it felt like, we never let anybody know we were trying. Not even my mom! Which I think I was in trouble for that one! Haha! A couple weeks went by, and I knew that if I was pregnant, it could possibly show up on a test. I was getting ready to leave the house to go buy a test when Bretton called. He had left school early and told me to go get BK and come hang out with him. I went and bought a pregnancy test and Burger King then went to my parents house. I took the test and couldn't tell if there were two lines or not so I brought it out and told Bretton "don't you tell anybody about this but are there two lines here?!" He was so grossed out and was like "did you pee on that?!!!" I was dying laughing! We sat there and stared at it in different lights and we could both see another line, but it was soooo faint we couldn't tell if it was really meant to be there or not. I didn't tell anybody about it. I didn't even tell Tj I took the test. That evening I ran to the store and bought digital ones so I could take one immediately the next morning. Tj woke up early to leave for the mine and I stumbled into the bathroom and opened up the package. I took the test and set it down. I spoke out loud and said "well Heavenly Father this is all up to you, if we are meant to have another baby this better be it because I don't think I'll have the guts to try again" I stood up to head back to bed, glanced down figuring it would still be reading the results. To my surprise that little stick said pregnant! I called Tj in a panic. I asked him where he was. He said he was just pulling out of town and asked if everything was alright. I remember I couldn't breathe. I just kept said "oh my gosh.....I think I'm pregnant!" He said "wow already!" And then told me don't worry everything was going to be just fine, we wanted this baby and it was going to be great. I snap chatted a picture to my brother to show him that we really did see two lines and not to tell anybody. I went over to my parents house to get something and took another test while I was there. That afternoon Jessica and I were driving together and she brought up me having another baby and how I needed to give Raelinn a sibling. I just kinda laughed and she said "what are you pregnant?!" I told her that's what the test said and she was so mad I didn't tell her we were trying. She brought up the cruise to Alaska I had booked and how you can't be passed a certain point in a pregnancy or they won't let you go, so we counted weeks and figured I would be good. Late that night I sent my mom a screenshot of the form to fill out for the cruise if you are pregnant. She wrote back and said its not like I'll be pregnant anyways so why does that matter. I told her I was and she thought I was lying so I sent her a picture of the test sitting on her bathroom counter.  I wish I could have seen her face!! We called and told Tjs parents and told Raelinn. Everybody was so excited and just a few days after that I started throwing up, and it didn't end until I was 32 weeks pregnant. I hated that pregnancy just as much as I anticipated I would. I am grateful and honored to be able to carry children, but it's a tough task. Laying here hearing sweet little Laycie squeak and make little noises as she sleeps I can whole heartedly say it was all worth it in the end. And if I ever get the impression there is another blessing waiting in heaven to join our family I'll do it all over again. And I will complain just as much as I did with the last two pregnancies. :D 

Find your sweet spot

Aren't I such a terrible blogger. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, a month has passed and we are coming up on two months of sweet Laycie being a part of our family and I have yet to sit down and journal her birth story. I have been so overwhelmed with trying to juggle two kids. Post partum depression/baby blues took the front seat for about a month but I am so happy and relieved to say I have made it over the hump. Writing those words just brought tears to my eyes. It was so unbelievably real and scary with Raelinn that I am grateful I made it out alive. I did though. Victory. That's how I will describe it. 

We were in Vegas this past weekend for our annual family Christmas party and we were at my niece's (Hannah) basketball game. Facebook was brought up and my brother Ty laughed and said how he hated it because to him it's "fake"book. Everybody makes their life out to be so perfect on Facebook, which in turn makes people feel like their lives are not good enough. (How true is that?!) My mom laughed and said "except for Shaunna!" We all laughed because I don't hold back about anything. I'm truthful. Did my dog pee on my Christmas tree and ruin a present. Yep. Did I try and give him away via Facebook. Yep. (Don't worry, nobody bit my bait and Trapper Jones still resides in the Ladner household!) Did I burn chocolate chip cookies to the point of them crunching like chips when they are attempted to be eaten. Yep. This is real. This is my life. I have realized being truthful to myself is what helps me get over that darn hump of depression. I'm not gonna lie, burning the cookies to an un-edible state broke my heart. Which I admitted in my post on Facebook. "Poor sad burnt chocolate chip cookies, wouldn't it suck to be my husband or kid?!" After everybody went to sleep that night I realized something, writing those words down meant that I really felt that way. Was I being silly-yes, but I am an honest person. Those were my feelings. How sad is that?! I had so many people comment on my sad little picture saying "I love burnt cookies!" Which made me think that maybe I wasn't so awful after all. I was sitting on the couch, Laycie was being so fussy, to the point of me crying and texting my mom out of desperation for an answer. I recorded a video and sent it to her in hopes of her having a miraculous answer that would fix my crying baby. (If you haven't met my mom, she's superwoman and knows everything.) Her reply to my frantic message was simple. "If she is fed, burped and changed, it won't hurt her to fuss for 30minutes" I was done. The burnt cookies broke my heart, and the baby was sending my emotions over the edge. I soothed her and told her I loved her, then buckled her in her swing facing the Christmas tree (she loves lights) and I took a nice warm shower and braided my hair. It was much needed "me" time. After my shower, I came out into the living room, to a sleeping baby. The house was so quiet and peaceful. Tj was snoring in the bedroom with Raelinn laying on his arm (her favorite place), the dogs were all sleeping...so, I decided to try one of those burnt cookies! If other people liked them, so might I! In the midst of eating my burnt chocolate chip cookie, I was thinking something. Life is sometimes like that. A little hard...but then you get to that sweet spot and it's worth it! 

My sweet spot is the gospel.  And finally on Laycie's (almost) 6th week of life we made it to church! It. Was. Wonderful. Am I the perfect church member?? No way!!! I forget to pray, I'm terrible at daily scripture study and some Sunday's I complain about getting up and going. But it felt so good to be back and feel the spirit.  

 That morning Raelinn was so excited. "We are taking the baby to church?! Our whole family gets to go to church?!" I answered yes so excited. Raelinn knows the importance of church and I am proud that we are instilling that in her. (Even though she complains about going most Sunday's. It's way funner to stay home in pj's and watch Disney movies, don't ya know?) I had made it through that trying post partum depression which I know comes from Satan himself. I had succeeded. I hadn't let it pull me into the deep dark scary place that it had taken me with Raelinn. I was back. And even though my life is crazy and chaotic and I may burn the cookies once in a while, there really ARE sweet spots to focus on. 

This was the only picture we got that day. I'd like to say I have one of Laycie sleeping peacefully in her Sunday dress in my arms, but I don't. The reality is I was exhausted. We were fifteen minutes late to sacrament and the three hour block was chaotic. But we made it. Our eternal family, trying to keep on, keeping on! :-)