My pregnancy with Laycie

I figured I’d better jot a few things down about my pregnancy with Laycie before I forget them!! I was sick basically my whole pregnancy with Laycie. I through up so much I can't even count! It typically was in the morning. Dr Martin prescribed me Zofran to help with the nausea. They were just little tablets that melted on your tongue...anytime I felt sick I would put one in, but it never really helped. It was basically morning routine, wake up, run to the bathroom....throw up nasty stomach bile because I hadn't eaten anything yet, then try and get my day started. Anytime I would drink something too fast it would make me throw up too. It was so bad Raelinn even knew it would happen. One afternoon I was so thirsty and drank a bunch of water and Rae said "you better watch out.....you're gonna throw up!" She was right. I was also superrrr tired. I napped nearly every day if I wasn't working. I only gained about 13lbs the whole pregnancy, I think because I was so sick! I also had that awful metallic taste in my mouth. Nothing would mask it. It made food taste SOOO awful and always made me feel so yucky.  Hahaha it’s funny how I remember all the bad things! Raelinn loved kissing my belly. She asked lots of questions and we would read the weekly update of the babies growth together. She went to every appointment with me! What a good big sister she was before the baby was even born. ❤️ The pregnancy was SO similar to Raelinns! (Other than me being waaaay sicker)  Laycie measured small in her 20 week ultrasound, just as Raelinn did, so we had to have a couple extra ultrasounds done just to make sure she was consistently growing. Also, I was admitted to the hospital for the start of a kidney infection.

Thank goodness we caught it sooner than I did with a Raelinn. I wasn’t nearly as sick, and only had to stay overnight. It was soooo hard though as the hospital has shut down here in Tonopah so my mom had to drive me all the way to the ER in Bishop, CA. When they told me I needed hospitalized I almost refused. Jaceton had 8th grade promotion and Raelinn had her preschool program the next day. We didn’t make Jaceton’s promotion...which he will forever make me feel guilty for!! Bretton, Dad, Tj and Jessica all made it so at least he some family there.

 Haha I did make it to Raelinns program though.

 Also, my amniotic fluid was measuring lower than it should at the 20 week ultrasound so I had to up my water intake....a gallon a day!! It surprisingly was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be, and by the next appointment it was normal and measured to what it should be. Just a couple weeks before I delivered Tj and I bought a new bedroom set. The bed sits SO high tj had to help pull me up ever night because it was nearly impossible climbing up by myself! Hahaha I wish I would have filmed me climbing up there just once for a good laugh.

2019 is the year I stop setting goals

I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to a new year as much as this one. 2018, I can say whole heartedly, was the worst year of my life. How can that be possible?? On paper, I have a pretty dang good life. No tragic loss, no devastating diagnosis, but yet I found myself barely making it out alive. I suffered from post partum depression with Raelinn. Maybe more-so the “baby blues”. I blamed that on getting back into the swing of things too quickly after giving birth. Going back to work and regular life before my body was completely healed and we were all settled in with our new baby. With Laycie I thought I had things figured out. It was my second time doing this after all. A newborn baby wouldn’t be anything to get used to, as we’ve done this before. I took a full 8 weeks off of work to make sure I had the time to not only physically heal, but make sure I could mentally make sure I was on the right track before jumping into life again. Pictures are deceiving. Laycie was a very hard newborn. That sweet little girl was never content. Her sleep schedule was totally out of whack. No matter what we did she woke up about every hour and a half to two hours at night, and never took long naps during the day. I remember telling my mom, “she’s broken, aren’t newborns supposed to sleep?!  Mine never sleeps!” Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Looking back, from January on everything was a blur. I remember sitting on the couch for hours, not watching tv, not looking at my phone. Caring for the baby when she needed something, talking to Raelinn if she asked a question or needed something, other than that just literally melting into the couch. That led to suicidal thoughts. I told Tj numerous times him and the girls would be better off without me here. Life would be better and easier for them if I eliminated myself from the equation. One day I was washing Raelinn’s hair in the shower, and it dawned on me she needed to know how to do it herself if I wasnt going to be around to help her. So I showed her how to do it. Crazy right? I Finally went back to my OBGYN for help. I knew I wasn’t going to survive if I didn’t. After a few weeks of being on medication I could see myself getting better, but I was definitely not a fan of the side effects! I figured I was good to go as I was finally doing my day to day tasks without breaking down or feeling defeated before I even started them. I slowly stopped taking the medication and things were good! Until one day....memories of family arguments, pressure from finances, who knows, but I snapped. Raelinn was playing at my sisters, Laycie was napping. I started to work on washing dishes from the day. A lid to a pot was loose. On the window seal was sitting Tjs leatherman. I picked it up, opened it up trying to find the screwdriver tool, and ended up pulling out a sharp hook (maybe meant for a can opener?). Everything went blank around me. I could almost hear my own heartbeat. Maybe if I started slowly....I could make lots of cuts and bleed out? Was that what I wanted? I had no plans of suicide. No exact way of doing it. But maybe, it didn’t have to be planned. Maybe it could just happen? Or maybe if I just hurt myself a little, my mind would snap out of this craziness and I could go back to being normal me. Happy go lucky Shaunna.  I was standing in my kitchen, as a wife and a mom, harming myself. I. Had. Finally. Lost. It. But I couldn’t stop. Tears were running down my cheeks, but I was numb. Numb everywhere. Mentally. Even physically. This went on for a while, as I remember I had a pandora playing on my phone and it had changed songs a few times. I was bleeding. But I couldn’t stop. Then the front door swung open. In walks tj from work. I throw the leatherman down and try to hide my wrist. He comes into the kitchen, and I braced myself for the lecture that I totally deserved. Instead, I was wrapped into his arms and squeezed for a long time. Did he see? I’m not sure. But whether he did or not, this is exactly what I needed. Just a hug to make me come back down to earth. I’m loved. I’m needed. That’s what that one guesture made me feel. Perfect timing. He never said a word that  night. Just let it be. The next day I worked at the salon. Trying to hide the small wounds, yet not get my sleeves dripping wet when shampooing clients made it hard to forget what happened the evening before. I felt embarrassed. Hoping I wouldn’t have to make up a lie if somebody asked. My vinyl gloves rubbing right on the area didn’t help eaither. Finally tj and I talked about what had happened. What a patient man I married! He was stern but yet loving. The next few days as my wrist healed and scabbed I was applying everything I could think of to help it not get infected and to help with scarring. I think that was my rock bottom. I started my medication again and picked myself back up. It was all up from there. Not saying I haven’t had rough patches mentally, but everybody is entitled to a bad day right? I have set expectations of myself lower than I ever have. And that’s OK! I can’t be perfect like some of my fellow social media friends out there. My house isn’t spotless, I don’t craft and upcycle and read self empowering books. I don’t meal prep and sew the girls dresses and garden. And that’s OK! One day I will get there. One day I will have this wife and motherhood thing figured out and be this fabulous cook (maybe I’m reaching for the stars with that one)! But for right now...I’m ok with whatever I can accomplish. Laycie is now only waking up once or twice in the middle of the night, so I’m actually getting some sleep. Hallelujah. I haven’t taken my medication in a few months and I have been fabulous. My obgyn told me to expect that around a year once my hormone levels had figured themself out. I feel like normal me again. As normal as you can as a wife and mom. :) I don’t have any goals for 2019. I don’t want goals. I don’t want anything that will make me feel unaccomplished. I just want to make good memories, survive the bad days, and keep my laundry folded. Here’s to all the moms who have suffered from post partum depression. And for the beautiful souls who didn’t survive it. I’m so grateful I have. 2018, although a blur, will always be one I will remember.

This last year doesn’t define me. It was definitely a learning experience and a story of survival. I am not blogging this for attention, or to re live it, I am writing this so I can always remember how strong I really am. This is my happily ever after blog, after all. And here’s to 2019 being the happiest one of them all with these three!! 

The right timing

When is it the right time for another baby?? Does anybody really know?! If you know me well, you know I HATE being pregnant. I know I know, it's like the most amazing thing ever creating a human, I get that, but in all reality it is freaking hard! It's hard sharing your body. I'm a selfish person! It took me a long time to want to get pregnant after Raelinn. Actually, I never really wanted to! I just knew I had a sweet little soul up there waiting to join our family, and pregnancy was something I had to go through in order to receive that blessing. That definitely, most likely, is the wrong way to look at it, but it's the truth. One day Tj was sitting on the brick next to the fire place. I remember it vividly. I walked up to him, he reached up and put his hands on my hips. I asked him if he was ready for another baby. He said he had been ready, but he never wanted to pressure me. I told him that I had been completely opposed to the idea for a long time, and although I wasn't necessarily "baby hungry" I had a feeling it was time. We talked about it for a while longer and I told him that we basically had one month to get pregnant. If we were to get pregnant the following month the baby would be born during Christmas time and I didn't want that, and if we stopped trying for a month I figured I would have myself talked out of the idea of another baby. We only discussed it between the two of us, and although I had so much pressure from the whole town it felt like, we never let anybody know we were trying. Not even my mom! Which I think I was in trouble for that one! Haha! A couple weeks went by, and I knew that if I was pregnant, it could possibly show up on a test. I was getting ready to leave the house to go buy a test when Bretton called. He had left school early and told me to go get BK and come hang out with him. I went and bought a pregnancy test and Burger King then went to my parents house. I took the test and couldn't tell if there were two lines or not so I brought it out and told Bretton "don't you tell anybody about this but are there two lines here?!" He was so grossed out and was like "did you pee on that?!!!" I was dying laughing! We sat there and stared at it in different lights and we could both see another line, but it was soooo faint we couldn't tell if it was really meant to be there or not. I didn't tell anybody about it. I didn't even tell Tj I took the test. That evening I ran to the store and bought digital ones so I could take one immediately the next morning. Tj woke up early to leave for the mine and I stumbled into the bathroom and opened up the package. I took the test and set it down. I spoke out loud and said "well Heavenly Father this is all up to you, if we are meant to have another baby this better be it because I don't think I'll have the guts to try again" I stood up to head back to bed, glanced down figuring it would still be reading the results. To my surprise that little stick said pregnant! I called Tj in a panic. I asked him where he was. He said he was just pulling out of town and asked if everything was alright. I remember I couldn't breathe. I just kept said "oh my gosh.....I think I'm pregnant!" He said "wow already!" And then told me don't worry everything was going to be just fine, we wanted this baby and it was going to be great. I snap chatted a picture to my brother to show him that we really did see two lines and not to tell anybody. I went over to my parents house to get something and took another test while I was there. That afternoon Jessica and I were driving together and she brought up me having another baby and how I needed to give Raelinn a sibling. I just kinda laughed and she said "what are you pregnant?!" I told her that's what the test said and she was so mad I didn't tell her we were trying. She brought up the cruise to Alaska I had booked and how you can't be passed a certain point in a pregnancy or they won't let you go, so we counted weeks and figured I would be good. Late that night I sent my mom a screenshot of the form to fill out for the cruise if you are pregnant. She wrote back and said its not like I'll be pregnant anyways so why does that matter. I told her I was and she thought I was lying so I sent her a picture of the test sitting on her bathroom counter.  I wish I could have seen her face!! We called and told Tjs parents and told Raelinn. Everybody was so excited and just a few days after that I started throwing up, and it didn't end until I was 32 weeks pregnant. I hated that pregnancy just as much as I anticipated I would. I am grateful and honored to be able to carry children, but it's a tough task. Laying here hearing sweet little Laycie squeak and make little noises as she sleeps I can whole heartedly say it was all worth it in the end. And if I ever get the impression there is another blessing waiting in heaven to join our family I'll do it all over again. And I will complain just as much as I did with the last two pregnancies. :D 

Find your sweet spot

Aren't I such a terrible blogger. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, a month has passed and we are coming up on two months of sweet Laycie being a part of our family and I have yet to sit down and journal her birth story. I have been so overwhelmed with trying to juggle two kids. Post partum depression/baby blues took the front seat for about a month but I am so happy and relieved to say I have made it over the hump. Writing those words just brought tears to my eyes. It was so unbelievably real and scary with Raelinn that I am grateful I made it out alive. I did though. Victory. That's how I will describe it. 

We were in Vegas this past weekend for our annual family Christmas party and we were at my niece's (Hannah) basketball game. Facebook was brought up and my brother Ty laughed and said how he hated it because to him it's "fake"book. Everybody makes their life out to be so perfect on Facebook, which in turn makes people feel like their lives are not good enough. (How true is that?!) My mom laughed and said "except for Shaunna!" We all laughed because I don't hold back about anything. I'm truthful. Did my dog pee on my Christmas tree and ruin a present. Yep. Did I try and give him away via Facebook. Yep. (Don't worry, nobody bit my bait and Trapper Jones still resides in the Ladner household!) Did I burn chocolate chip cookies to the point of them crunching like chips when they are attempted to be eaten. Yep. This is real. This is my life. I have realized being truthful to myself is what helps me get over that darn hump of depression. I'm not gonna lie, burning the cookies to an un-edible state broke my heart. Which I admitted in my post on Facebook. "Poor sad burnt chocolate chip cookies, wouldn't it suck to be my husband or kid?!" After everybody went to sleep that night I realized something, writing those words down meant that I really felt that way. Was I being silly-yes, but I am an honest person. Those were my feelings. How sad is that?! I had so many people comment on my sad little picture saying "I love burnt cookies!" Which made me think that maybe I wasn't so awful after all. I was sitting on the couch, Laycie was being so fussy, to the point of me crying and texting my mom out of desperation for an answer. I recorded a video and sent it to her in hopes of her having a miraculous answer that would fix my crying baby. (If you haven't met my mom, she's superwoman and knows everything.) Her reply to my frantic message was simple. "If she is fed, burped and changed, it won't hurt her to fuss for 30minutes" I was done. The burnt cookies broke my heart, and the baby was sending my emotions over the edge. I soothed her and told her I loved her, then buckled her in her swing facing the Christmas tree (she loves lights) and I took a nice warm shower and braided my hair. It was much needed "me" time. After my shower, I came out into the living room, to a sleeping baby. The house was so quiet and peaceful. Tj was snoring in the bedroom with Raelinn laying on his arm (her favorite place), the dogs were all sleeping...so, I decided to try one of those burnt cookies! If other people liked them, so might I! In the midst of eating my burnt chocolate chip cookie, I was thinking something. Life is sometimes like that. A little hard...but then you get to that sweet spot and it's worth it! 

My sweet spot is the gospel.  And finally on Laycie's (almost) 6th week of life we made it to church! It. Was. Wonderful. Am I the perfect church member?? No way!!! I forget to pray, I'm terrible at daily scripture study and some Sunday's I complain about getting up and going. But it felt so good to be back and feel the spirit.  

 That morning Raelinn was so excited. "We are taking the baby to church?! Our whole family gets to go to church?!" I answered yes so excited. Raelinn knows the importance of church and I am proud that we are instilling that in her. (Even though she complains about going most Sunday's. It's way funner to stay home in pj's and watch Disney movies, don't ya know?) I had made it through that trying post partum depression which I know comes from Satan himself. I had succeeded. I hadn't let it pull me into the deep dark scary place that it had taken me with Raelinn. I was back. And even though my life is crazy and chaotic and I may burn the cookies once in a while, there really ARE sweet spots to focus on. 

This was the only picture we got that day. I'd like to say I have one of Laycie sleeping peacefully in her Sunday dress in my arms, but I don't. The reality is I was exhausted. We were fifteen minutes late to sacrament and the three hour block was chaotic. But we made it. Our eternal family, trying to keep on, keeping on! :-) 

The miracle of life

Little miss Laycie Meleese Ladner arrived just a few hours ago. It's pretty amazing seeing the little life Tj and I created together out of pure love! Her sweet little soul is straight from Heaven, there is no denying that. Heavenly Father sure knows what he is doing doesn't he? It's after visiting hours so Raelinn cannot meet the baby until the morning, I can't wait!!!! I don't know if I will sleep tonight...just gotta stare at her cute face, plus Tj is already snoring! Hahaha What an amazing life I have been blessed with. 

Rae's 4th birthday and Tj's 29th!

Alright! I better get these pictures on here before I forget what a cute and special day this was. Raelinn was so excited it was her birthday. We had breakfast at the station house and she got ice cream from the waitresses and Bob Perchetti gave her a couple dollars as he was leaving the restaurant. We took rice crispies to school (even made Tj some fruity pebble ones to take to work). I threw together a last minute party at the pizza place here in town complete with decorations from family dollar and a cake out of the freezer section of Scolari's. Raelinn was so excited and got teary eyed a few times. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I just can't believe all these people came to my party because they love me!" It was just the sweetest thing. So far being 4 years old has been a wonderful year for her! She's grown up so much and has such a sassy attitude. Tj and I are so lucky to have had her! 

Rae got pretty spoiled on her birthday as we were getting ready for our trip to Alaska. She got a tablet for the car ride and lots of things to keep her busy in the trip...along with new clothes and a kitchen! Tj had a pretty good birthday also as he got a new phone....and knock on wood 6 months later he still hasn't broken it! Haha! Love these two birthday buddies. 

They are my heart! 

It's a girl!

Ok so I got locked out of my blog...but the good 'ol insomnia you get before you have a baby gave me time to figure out how to get back in. I should stop doing hair and take up a job with the FBI! Haha! So there ya have it, we are at the end of the pregnancy with baby Ladner #2! What an awful pregnancy this has been, but I know it will be worth it in two days when SHE makes her appearance. That's right, another girl! 

This picture was taken along highway 101 heading up to Seattle. Notice Raelinn's little crab she caught right below the letter "B" She insisted it be in the picture. 

Rae and I took a cruise to Alaska with my parents, little brothers and Grandma! On the way up we stopped in Reno and had a 3D ultrasound done just for a quick gender check. Tj couldn't go with us, so we had him on FaceTime as well as Jess and Jason. Tj was pretty dang sure it was a boy, and I wasn't really sure...I just knew I was sick. Raelinn was dead set on having a sister, so I think her mind was made up regardless of what the ultrasound said! The ultrasound tech said "ok here we go....it's a girl!" Tj says "are they sure?!" And Raelinn said "baby Laycie!" The tech commented on how we already had a name picked out and I was laughing so hard, because that was definitely not even in the list! I had no idea where Raelinn got that from. As the months went by, Tj and I would bring up different names and ask Rae about them. She would always say something like "yeah that's a nice name, but I'm just gonna call her Laycie, ok?" So one day Tj and I sat down and talked and decided Laycie Ladner actually is a pretty dang cute name so we sat Rae down and told her that we decided we will name the baby Laycie. With more sass than you can even dream of she says "I've been telling you it's a really good name this WHOLE TIME!" So there we have it, Laycie Meleese Ladner will be here in just two short days. We are excited. (I'm freaking out and frankly more nervous than I was with Raelinn) But I know Heavenly Father blessed us with this baby because we are the perfect family for her, and she will be the perfect addition for us.